Why is it so Hard to Believe a Narcissist is a Narcissist?

The ignorance and lies that keep us from seeing the truth

Brandon Wilson
9 min readSep 22, 2020
Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash

Chances are you know a Narcissist in your life. There are millions of people who are Narcissists who live and create chaos amongst us every day! Narcissism falls on a spectrum. A person can have Narcissistic traits, yes, but then there are those who actually have full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder who seek to abuse and destroy the lives of others. Those with NPD can be a spouse, a brother, sister, mother, father, neighbor, or friend.

It is those who are ill-informed on who a Narcissist truly is, those who don’t know they are in some way connected to, or a victim of one, that makes it difficult to see Narcissists for the demons they are in our society. It’s also the lack of acceptance that someone you know or love is a Narcissist and you’re faced with the fact that this person does not have the capacity to change their selfish ways of thinking, their manipulative abusive behaviors, or even sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies. Despite that, we love this person, and love is blind, and that’s one of the biggest reasons we overlook the Narcissist being a Narcissist. There are several players involved in this sick game that Narcissists like to play, because believe me, NO ONE plays games better than a Narcissist!

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The Narcissist

Let’s start with the Narcissist, because he/she is the central piece to the evil and cryptic puzzle they put together. One of the reasons it is so hard to believe a Narcissist is a Narcissist is because of the methodical and pathological LIES they tell. Make no doubt about, a Narcissist will lie about situations with acquaintances, family members, significant others, and spouses. NO ONE is off limits to the lies that a Narcissist will tell. Why? Because a lie is a Narcissist’s only protection from the truth. They don’t want to take responsibility for the mistakes they make. They don’t want people to know that they are extremely insecure. That they are cheaters, liars, abusers, conniving, master manipulators, so they tell LIES on just about everyone in an attempt to evade their ugly truth and they do it with absolutely NO REMORSE!

In my previous articles I detailed my belief that my ex-spouse suffers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is also undiagnosed like the millions of people in our society who suffer with NPD. My ex has all of the classic symptoms described above, as well as sociopathic and psychopathic tendencies. Narcissists are so calculating in what they do, and if you are not able to read through their cleverly crafted lies, you will never see the truth!

Lying is also a critical part of the grooming process a Narcissist uses to see if their next victim will actually believe what they say, and if you do, you become their prime target. My ex for example played the victim so well when we first met. He blamed his prior ex for so many things that happened in their relationship and even cried tears to me about it. It was later that I learned from those who knew both of them personally, and even others from my ex’s past that it was actually he, my ex, who caused the problems, and that HE was in fact the manipulator, liar, cheater and abuser in prior relationships, just as he became in OUR marriage. It was those very same behaviors that ultimately led me to the decision to walk out the door and file for divorce.

My ex, just like so many other Narcissists wore a mask, and he wanted me to believe he was inherently good and that he was this faithful, “true blue” partner until the end who tried to save his past relationships from crumbling, but because of his selfish, and abusive ways all of his prior relationships ended miserably just like ours did when I learned the truth about the wolf that was hiding in sheep’s clothing the entire time we were together. Classic of most Narcissists they love to appear as some martyr in the lives of those around them, but dig deep enough into their past and you’ll soon discover a closet full of skeletons that they want to keep locked away with all of their pathological lies.

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The Empath

An Empath is a person that is the exact opposite of the Narcissist. Just as they are called, Empaths have super caring, empathetic qualities that are most times to their own detriment. Empaths deeply care for others and often put other’s needs before their own. They are problem-solvers and they often compromise their own standards to avoid any type of conflict. They also have major issues with setting boundaries. An empath is the perfect VICTIM for a Narcissist.

I know because I am an Empath myself. When I was with my ex I felt like he was the puzzle piece that completed me, and I his, but little did I know this connection was that of good versus evil.

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He made me feel so loved, so wanted, and so alive in the beginning. I was love-bombed, blinded by his predatory expressions of affection to the point that when he started devaluing and emotionally abusing me, it was too late. I was hooked. I didn’t want to believe he was this monster that suddenly appeared. NO! This can’t be! The man I fell in love with, is treating me like a King one minute, the next, like a complete piece of shit! HOW, WHY?! Well, it’s because as an Empath, I blindly and desperately wanted to see the good in him that I saw in the beginning. I refused to believe the man I fell in love with could be so cold, callous and remorseless to the ugly things he was doing that ultimately destroyed our marriage.

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Because of trauma bonds that are created, I like so many other Empaths developed an unhealthy co-dependency on my Narcissistic ex. In my eyes at the time, the sun rose and set on him, and every time I tried to break away from his abuse and toxicity, it was as if my entire world came crashing down all at once (psychologists call this the “pink cloud” effect). Experts describe being with a Narcissist like being on drugs. Once my ex’s emotional and psychological abuse started taking its toll, each time I attempted to leave I would get a rush of euphoria. I would say to myself “okay, this is it! I am NOT going back. I am gone for good, and I will NOT allow him to hurt me ever again.”

Then came my ex’s hoover attempts. He begged me to come back, not to give up on us, told me how much I was his world and how much he loved me over and over again (this is why the no-contact rule is so important). Several days later, I would fall into a painful depression longing for his false love and affection again. I felt completely powerless because I allowed his voice back into my head. Each time I went back I hoped it would be different as he had so many times promised. Total wishful thinking on my part. We ended up right back where we once were before, and because of my lack of boundary-setting skills, each time I went back, the psychological and emotional abuse slowly got worse.

I knew something was wrong, and after someone told me they believed my ex to be a Narcissist, that’s when I began educating myself. I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I had to come to terms with the fact that my ex has been this way all of his life, and that he is NOT going to change. Acceptance of that fact hit me for the first time when another one of our fights ended with me being hit in the face with a door that he kicked in. After I retaliated in self-defense, he commenced another one of his smear campaigns. I grabbed what I could of value at the time, and FINALLY headed for the door for good and began my quest to become a SURVIVOR!

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The “Flying Monkeys” and the “Fence-Sitters”

“Flying Monkeys” are just as the term says. They can be mutual friends, acquaintances, or family members that the Narcissist recruits to further inflict their pain and abuse on the Empath who is desperately trying to move forward and heal.

Often times those recruited do not know they themselves are falling prey to the Narcissist, OR worse they are completely in cahoots with the Narcissist, and because they love the drama, they are ready and willing to stir the pot when it comes to the Empath who again is too trusting and believes this acquaintance (or others) to be on their side.

“The Flying Monkey” is typically the person who is saying to the Empath, “Well, you know Joe said this about you!” or “Joe says you’re actually the one who is cheating, but I don’t believe it, I believe you!” That same person will go back (fly) to the Narcissist and report what the Empath has said in response, and the Narcissist will respond with more abusive accusations, lies and smear campaigns to further victimize the Empath.

The no contact rule not only applies to the Narcissist, it also applies to the flying monkeys. In order to protect your sanity, you have to identify those who are TRULY there for you and support your well-being without any speck of truth or doubt. Empaths will also have to eliminate the fence-sitters, those who are trying to decide who’s side they want to be on (in this case good or evil). If they cannot decide, you as an empath and now survivor will have to set a hard boundary and decide for the fence-sitters, cutting them off as well. NO EXCEPTIONS!

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The “100-percenters”

These are the family members, friends and loved ones that survivors DO want to keep in their lives. The 100-percenters are the ones who SEE the truth and are committed to your health and healing as you move forward from this traumatic situation. They do NOT communicate with the Narcissist or the Narcissist’s friends or relatives because they typically have witnessed your torment with this domestic terrorist. Your 100-percenters are typically of good morale and character, and they want nothing to do with someone who’s sole gain is to hurt you or others. They are on YOUR side 100-percent.

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So, as you can see, Narcissists play an extremely destructive game, leaving chaos and collateral damage in their wake, but maybe, just MAYBE we can stop accepting what Narcissists do. What if we ALL started setting boundaries and STOPPED accepting the bullshit that we know they are dishing out to continue to feed their false narratives and false realities that they so desperately want to live in. Maybe we could start accepting and seeing the TRUTH, and start enacting some consequences for the Narcissist. They don’t get to have a seat at YOUR table or be a guest in your presence or in your house as long as they are creating havoc and victimizing those around you. Narcissists know what they do, and the evil that they dole out. IT’S YOUR CHOICE whether you accept. The only way to beat the Narcissist is NOT to play THEIR game.

As Pastor Michael Todd once said, “When you stop believing the LIE, then you can believe the TRUTH.” Which will you choose?

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Brandon Wilson

Narcissistic Abuse Survivor | 3-Time Emmy Award Winning Executive Producer | Host of "On Record with Brandon 'Chris' Wilson"